catppuccino

stay home club

Life begins at the end of your comfort zone 

It’s not superficial. It just goes to show that even strangers see the beauty in you, the beauty that you cannot see.

Wanna live my life without being fixated on someone, a figure to model my life after. So unhealthy. Somebody help me please.

Happened to read through my older posts from 2014/2015 and can I just-cringe? They were probably over romanticised because I’m just being the simple minded idiot I am. There is nothing like a love in the books and movies and I think I played things up in order to portray the depth and intensity of my so called feelings. I have no idea what I was feeling at that time, sigh. To delete or not to delete. While they are an utter eyesore, they make me giggle a bit because of the memories and all. I don’t know, there’s something about reading stuff that I wrote years ago. 

Nights like these 

I feel so terribly inadequate. So I stumbled upon a WordPress of somebody I shouldn’t be ‘stalking’. Well okay I searched a name and I found that person’s WordPress. I think this obsession is way past the insecurity that x will just one day wake up and find that he’s still in love with that person and leave. I think it’s some twisted competition in my head, that I want to be better than that person. Skinnier than that person, fitter than that person. In order to match up to or erase the fact that that person once meant something to x. I just feel so fucking lousy and insecure. It’s not like I can talk to x freely about it because whenever that person is  mentioned I just feel ‘…’ And frankly speaking very fucking salty. I just hate the thought of that person I hate the fact she that person used to have what I have now with x. Fucking hell why can’t life be the least bit of good to me for once. You would think after countless bouts of feeling immensely down and w after w, life would decide to spare me when it comes to my love life and relationships. Nooope. 

I guess I just got to live with it. Live with this insane insecurity and feeling of inadequacy and quelch it whenever it threatens to overwhelm me. I hate it so much. I don’t want to be insecure anymore and plagued by thoughts of having to look better and be fitter. I’m so tired. 

itch

11:13:04pm

Awake because of this ridiculous rash that has decided to plague me a few weeks ago and has been doing a very, very, very good job and keeping me up at night and also demolishing what’s left of my measly self esteem. It comes and it goes, but mostly it comes. And it stays. It’s so fucking itchy and the more i scratch, the more itchy it gets. If i try to leave it alone that area just stings a bit and it’s so exasperating. As soon as my skin comes into contact with another surface, be it the bedsheets etcetera, bam. Itch.

At first i thought it was just the shitty bedsheets that was causing the weird rash to pop up from out of nowhere. Well i was wrong. The sheets were changed and the rash is still here. I wonder if it’s stress-induced because well, i am pretty fucking stressed about mid year exams and school and a levels and about my future. But then again, i have been under tremendous stress for sustained periods of time in the past and this has never happened before. I googled some more (being the hypochondriac that i am, pft) and it occurred to me that i could be allergic to the laundry detergent being used. It could explain why i’ve been feeling prickly and itchy all the time, right? But then again,  my mom has been using the same laundry detergent since God-knows-when, so it can’t possibly be the detergent.

And with that you have a very helpless and pathetic mess aka me.

I am at my wits’ end and i think it’s time to pay my favourite (note the sarcasm) ponggol clinic a visit; i’ve been to countless clinics when i was younger (and the mild eczema in my blood wasn’t so mild), wasted so much of my parents’ money in hopes of being able to find relief from this ongoing nightmare. Ponggol clinic was recommended by one of my relatives i think and it was affordable. Most importantly, it was effective. I was pretty reliant on the oral medication and the itch and all would come back and haunt me whenever exams were just around the corner but i slowly began to stop having to rely on the oral medication to keep my (mild) eczema and it’s itch in check. For the longest time i’ve been so ashamed of my eczema and i still am and it’s one of those things that i really don’t want anybody to know and am afraid of being judged for (besides for the way i look). People have made fun of me before, labelling me as ‘the freak with the skin disease’ and all, and i can honestly say it’s one of those things that still scars me till today. (Okay, the person who said that later on apologised to me via Facebook message haha but it’s still ingrained in my mind)

I was just lying in bed, tossing and turning, until i eventually gave up and couldn’t bear to lie with this stinging itch any longer. Got up and rinsed my legs with cold water (from the shower head) and am currently keeping my sleeping dogs company in the living room with my macbook on my lap. I have so many more things on my mind but i’ll save it for another time.

Enough 

Even when things seem bleak, and everything just doesn’t seem to be working out or making any sense, just know that you are enough. You are enough. I am enough.