Thankful

by baekcat

Over the duration of my secondary school life, i have made new friends, fallen out with some, changed (hopefully for the better) and a couple more things (that are most probably not important since i don’t remember them). Since i’m free now (gasps), i thought i’ll do some self reflection.

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I honestly can’t be more thankful for my current group of friends. I know i’ve said this countless times, but i really am. Even though they piss me off sometimes, and i piss them off sometimes, i know that they’ll always be there for me, to listen to me moan about anything and everything, to help pick me up whenever i fall. My personality isn’t exactly the most pleasant, and that leaves me with a slightly difficult character. Despite everything (and the state i was in when i fell out with my friends), they still befriended me and helped me get out of my shell.

I want to let my friends/family that i am so thankful for them but i have never been the type to express my feelings freely, so it either ends up in baking sessions with atrocious results, writing long heartfelt letters before crumpling them up and tossing them into the rubbish bin or me being stuck in a depressed bubble. I know that i’ve lost contact with some friends i used to consider myself very close to, and that saddens me a lot. The funny part is, it pains me to realise how many friends that i used to be close to i have lost, yet i was the catalyst of it. Whenever somebody i used to be close to walks past/etc, instead of smiling brightly and waving enthusiastically/hugging them like how i used to, i simply turn my head to the side and pretend that i didn’t see them. 

It sucks and sometimes i really want to punch myself in the gut for doing such things, but i really don’t know how to act around these people. Do i smile? Do i wave? What if he/she ignores me? What do i do then? I was really angry at the other party at first, because they weren’t taking any initiative to say hello to me when that’s all i’ve been doing for the past few years. Was i nothing to them? I was angry. I thought that the entire friendship was built on my annoying persistence and enthusiasm. And that made me mad. 

However, now that i think about it, nobody wants (dares) to initiate a conversation with somebody that has a face so black, you’d think that you killed her entire family. I do say hello sometimes, but that’s really rare. And it’s so upsetting! :c

I really, really, miss and adore these people, but those friendships really didn’t work out and i’m honestly helpless. 

Woah, this post has taken a steep turn towards depressing. Oops, looks like i digressed too much…

I really did write this post to get rid of all of my heavy feelings towards some friends (or better yet, schoolmates…)

I guess that i’m the most thankful for the girls, who stuck with me through thick and thin. Honestly, my personality was so repulsive in sec one and two (and a mini part of three), i’m surprised that it didn’t send them running all the way to the opposite side of earth. I’m thankful for all the times everybody’s listened to my passive aggressive speeches, angry rants and basically anything that comes out of my mouth. Even though we weren’t close in secondary one/two, i’m glad we became close friends. I’m very much flawed, but i’m working on them, so please do not give up on me, everybody 💕

And to my favourite person in the world: No one! Nah, just kidding. I know i’m supposed to say my family, but something just stops me from doing so. I’m a bad person, i know. My family/friends are pretty high up in my list of priorities, but the person who holds the ultimate #01 spot? I have no clue myself. Is it God? Is it myself? Is it some other person that i have yet to meet? I’m utterly c-l-u-e-l-e-s-s.

I have never been a religious person, but i guess my beliefs lean slightly towards christianity (does that make sense). When i was struggling through a particularly hard period of my life last year, i sought comfort in God through multiple bible verses and the morning devotions then felt like it was directed to me. I could relate so well to whatever the teachers were sharing and it terrified me a little (i got over that haha). I listened, prayed, tried to maintain a positive mindset, and things really did slowly improve. 

Like i said earlier, there’s so many things/people that i’m thankful about/for but i’m not one who’s big on expressing her feelings so it ends up being expressed in weird ways. On some days, i’m angry and generally in a very bad mood and i would get mad at anything and everything-when there’s so much more things to be thankful for. That happens to be a major character flaw of mine that i’m trying to work on. 

Why get angry with life when there’s so many things to be thankful about?

Even being thankful for the cleaner aunties and uncles who keep the toilets clean is totally valid! 

Today, i’m thankful for the fact that i am alive, healthy, and living in a very safe country, with a roof over my head and having people who care for me deeply. How about you?

 

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