Food vs me

by 🌸

It took my nearly two years to finally write this out but…

I am hereby accepting that yes, I had an eating disorder and while there is nothing to be proud about having one, I am not ashamed of it.

I am also accepting that this will never just be ‘a phase’ of my life where I developed a distorted mindset about food and myself. It will always be with me and some days I will struggle. On some days I will feel like slipping back into my old habits. On some days I’ll look into the mirror and feel absolutely terrible. Because with struggle comes change (I hope).

I am in a much better place than before and only now do I understand what harm I was doing to my body. I literally messed up my digestive system so badly, my stomach would bloat up like a balloon the moment food literally enters my mouth. It sucks, and I had food go back up my throat and come out of my nose due to my stomach not used to accommodating such large amounts of food as compared to before. Oh, and the hunger. (Even now my stomach still bloats really badly after i eat a slightly bigger meal)

The hardest part about trying to break free from my unhealthy habits would be dealing with the intense hunger I felt and trying to feel comfortable with feeding myself properly to satisfy the hunger. It’s pretty amazing because I would be able to eat four slices of bread in one shot-and eat a plate of noodles/etc afterwards. I read online that it would last for a while, for me it was about a month or two? My cravings for various foods ceased the moment i gained weight.

Not only did I gain back all of the weight I lost, I also gained a little bit more (I think). It sucked for a while, but I stayed away from everything and just focused on eating till I was full and my weight sorted itself out eventually.

Key lessons that I took away from it all?

a. There is no such thing as ‘losing a lot of weight now then gaining some back’ (this was an excuse I used on myself when I realized that I had an eating disorder-I wanted to lose a little bit more before seeking help because I figured that I could gain weight and still be within the weight range that I felt was acceptable)

b. Starving gets you nowhere

c. It’s okay to not eat 100% ‘clean’ and ‘healthy’ and shit

d. As funny as it sounds, weight really doesn’t matter. It doesn’t, and this is one thing that I’m struggling to come to terms with, because even now I’m still attempting to lose weight

If there is no struggle, there is no success.