redundant

by baekcat

I’m probably the one who’s running away from the ‘thing’ that so desperately needs to be addressed, but i can’t help but feel like shit over this entire thing. Or whatever it is. It’s irrational and illogical and so stupid. I can already foresee myself falling so hard and getting hurt. Badly. I probably shouldn’t have allowed things to ‘progress’ this far. It’s a regression to me, to be frank.

I can hear my mom’s words echoing in my head-

‘… using you…’

‘Do you want to be the person who has to pick up your own broken pieces?’

No, no i don’t. As much as i try to convince myself otherwise, this (most likely) isn’t going to end well, because my doubts and insecurities will eat. me. up. aliveSo tell me, what do i do now? Amidst all the school crap, friendship crap, family crap, and mental health crap, how am i supposed to deal? I wish everything was as simple as it is written in books. Find someone, magically fall in love, everything’s all bright and merry, you get married and bam! Happily ever after. Like i’m already not fucked up enough. This whole thing is fucking me up left right upside down and it’s tearing me apart.

I wish people would just stop asking what is going on because honestly? I don’t know either. How am i supposed to know? I wonder for how long more can i continue like this. Not here but not there. I feel cheap. Used. Dirty. What exactly am i doing?

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